This is my first real post in a long fucking time...I'm going to thank my Cookies and Cream for this one, but its a good kind of thank...I need to get this out.
I tried to not have a crush on you, I really did. I told myself when we started these stupid shenanigans that I would not let myself get too close to you. I knew your reputation, I knew your history, I mean, who could blame you, you're pretty and so I tried, even convinced myself that I was just using you as much as you were using me...I was content with that for a long time but then you started doing some things that got my mind confused and me, being the un-conscience narcissist, thought that you might actually like me as more than a friend...I didn't ask, the truth was, I didn't want to know because the thought of you actually liking me scared the hell out of me. Hell, I wasn't used to the physical attention you showed me let alone if there was anything emotional going on in that thick skull of yours. I pondered over the weird things you started doing as I always do when I think something is going on (even if nothing really is, like in this case) and I drove myself half-mad with the stupid idea. I told myself to let it lie and I did for a long time. I even started to get annoyed with you, the way you would tease me all the time...it just got so damn old and I was glad that I never said anything to you because I realize that if by some miracle you said you wanted more that just the physical I would have likely said I wanted the same. I realize that I would have never been able to actually date you...in fact, I probably wouldn't be able to stand you in those circumstances...but then you left back home for Christmas and New Years and when you came back, you're this completely different person...I'm not sure I like it, by the way, but you changed...and when I realized that it might be because you met someone (you even admitted to it, and guess what, I may have been drunk when you told me, but I still fucking remember) I must admit to you and to myself, because I'm tired of lying to myself about this, I felt a stab of jealousy, betrayal and even sadness...I know you're not mine...I'm not sure I want you to be, but still, I can't help this feeling...I guess I just feel worthless, something you use and then throw away and nobody should have to feel like that...I'm so confused over my own feelings and I don't like it...why do I keep doing this to myself, falling for guys I can't have...at least I don't love you, like I do him, but still there are some -- feelings...I wish I could stop this damn shit...I just keep going after the ones that don't really want me...I don't know which hurts more, having someone you love ignore you completely or having someone you've been intimate with and thought you had no feelings for drop you like a lead dime....Either way, both fucking suck and I just want to be done with it...but somehow I just know that this isn't going to be the end of it...